How to Holiday Whiskey Cocktail: The Randy Reindeer


A Simple Cocktail that Will Knock Your Tail Off

It’s that time of the month again. No, not time for Aunt Flo to visit; time for whiskey flow to visit. I don’t know about you all but I’m pretty seasonal when it comes to the alcohol I’m drinking. I prefer whiskey in the late fall and winter. Whiskey warms you from the inside out. That’s why I’ve create the Randy Reindeer, a simple whiskey cocktail recipe that you can make in under a minute. You never know how quickly you might need a drink over the holiday season.

Your Sexiest Christmas Ever

Booze and the holiday season always reminds me of one special Christmas way back when I was a freshman in High School. This is a story that I only told me family about last year and they were drunk so they probably don’t remember it. In other words, if you happen to actually know my family, how about you keep your mouth shut about this one, okay?

Anyway. My mom’s favorite drink is a long island iced tea. Since her birthday is a few days before Christmas it is often the case that these are the holiday drink of choice for the adults partaking. During this one particular year, when I was about 15, my mom and grandma and maybe an aunt or two all made themselves these giant long island drinks. If you are unfamiliar a Long Island is all the clear liquors (gin, vodka, tequila, triple sec and rum) + sweet and sour + coca cola / pepsi. Well, this year they all started sipping on their drinks then they started snarling their noses.

“This taste watered down to you?”

“Yeah. You think the ice melted too fast or what?”

“Maybe. Something tastes off.”

“It’s definitely not the best one I’ve ever had.”

“No.”

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the kitchen with them all trying really hard not to make any sort of facial signs to indicate my guilt. I wanted to both laugh and run out of the room at the same time in order to not get my ass kicked. You see, a month earlier I happened to switch out the vodka under my mom’s sink with water. I assumed no one would notice since the drinks are already so strong, but of course, I was young and dumb and wrong.

I let them drink their watered down drinks never saying a peep about it for over a decade.

This was of course way better than the time during another Christmas when my cousin and I got drunk while no one was looking and then when we were leaving my parents were like, “guess who’s driving home?! The sober teenager.” And looked at me. I can’t remember how I got out of that one exactly, but we’re all still here so I guess I did something right even though I’m so good at doing things all naughty like.

Just like Randi the Reindeer!

Get the Ugly Reindeer Holiday Sweater Here!

In honor of the erotic story about Randi the Reindeer that you can hear my read on Patreon tomorrow, here is the Randy Reindeer Whiskey cocktail drink.

The Randy Reindeer

1 shot of whiskey (I used Bulleit bourbon)

Fill with Apple Cider

Garnish with Cinnamon Stick and Carrot

(You can either go warm or cold with this drink so toss in some ice or use apple cider that’s already been warmed up.)

Drink up.

Get the Probably Whiskey mug here.

Cheers!

Here’s Randi the Reindeer Making the Drink on Camera

Thirsty yet?


Thirsty Thursday: Whiskey Drinking Problems Blues

woman with the blues drinking whiskey

Sometimes a glass of bourbon is exactly what the doctor ordered

Or

Bulleit Bourbon Whiskey to the Rescue

Alright, world. Here’s the deal. I met someone. We hit it off. Then it got rather turbulent and we are currently on a break.

I haven’t been talking about it because I am not sure if I’m even seeing all of the events from the past couple of months that clearly.

I met this thoughtful and kind man at an after-hours party a few months ago. A big group of us left the after-hours party and continued to party well into the next afternoon. Queens and queers and freaks and weirdos were all gathered at my house. We drank every last drop of alcohol we had here and then we went and got more. We raged.

That kind of raging was fun.

The other kind of rage, not so much.

Turns out the guy that I really got into has an even bigger temper than me. This is saying a lot. If you’ve followed any of my past writing you might recall that I’ve done a lot of work trying to overcome my anger (you can even read all about it in the article I wrote titled, Republicans, Rapists, Real Women: How I’m Reprogramming Anger).

We’re both fire. Short-fused. Competitive.

Of course, we’re also both thoughtful, compassionate, kind (he maybe more so on the last trait).

A series of anger-induced incidents was the last straw for me.

I can’t handle feeling powerless. I can’t handle always being on the defensive. I can’t handle being one-up’ed every single time I ever tell a story. It becomes exhausting.

 

He’s told me that he loves me. He’s told me I’m his world. Yet, how can I let someone in that can turn on a dime and act out irrationally at random intervals?

Believe me, I know I am not perfect. I am cranky (particularly in the morning). I am stubborn. I suffer from resting bitch face.

I’m also weird. I read a lot, which doesn’t necessarily make me smart but it makes me smarter than I used to be. I have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old boy. I take pics with over-sized phallic-shaped foods on a regular basis. I don’t shower as much as I probably should. I can compartmentalize. I can be cold. I can be the life of the party or not want to be around anyone at all.

So yes, it takes a strong soul to handle me.

I also can only handle so much myself and what I cannot tolerate are unnecessary outbursts, temper tantrums, failing to communicate both the logistics of specific situations as well as feelings etc. connected to them.

No one should be in a relationship where they fear how the other person will respond or fear how they could snap at something small at any moment. If you can’t handle little issues then the big ones are going to be hella hard.

So this Thirsty Thursday, I drink a drink to honor all that we had and all that we could have. I’m not giving up completely, but I am distancing myself to better understand my own needs/wants/desires while he does the same. Anger is an energy and when put to proper use it can help change the world for the better, but if it’s anger that reveals itself as unnecessary rage, well that just hurts the entire world and all the people directly (and indirectly) who witness it.

May you quench your thirst on this Thursday and every other day. Thanks for reading my love life update, now go eat a carrot already!

Fifty Shades Freed Official Collection

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Thirsty Thursday: Ode to the Gravel Road

The Simple Man’s Drink of Choice

Or

What to Take to Drank on a Country Cruise

Today is my last day visiting my family in Kansas. I’ll be heading back mid-morning in a probably futile attempt to avoid Denver traffic (yes I am laughing out loud at the idea of that right now). It’s been hot. It’s been humid. Hot and humid is a breeding ground for thirst.

Since it is Thirsty Thursday and I am back home, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate this week’s drink to one of my favorite activities in the area, country cruisin.

If you’re unfamiliar it’s exactly what it sounds like. You get in a vehicle, preferably a large truck and you drive around aimlessly.

It can be a family activity.

It can be a friend activity.

It can be a romantic activity.

For example, I remember in High School I used to drive my friends around so they could make out in the back seat, because that’s the type of good friend that I am (you’re welcome, Mary).

Is there drinking involved in this activity? I don’t know. I couldn’t say. Could be that people go walking around the gravel roads to just strategically place beer cans in the ditches to add shine and pizzazz to the gravel, who can really say?!

If drinking were involved, at least with the people not driving, I’d imagine that those people would drink really cheap beer.

Probably something like Busch Light, Natural Light, Coors Light, Bud Light.

Or again, maybe people just buy these 30-packs to water their fields and then leave the cans on the side of the road as an offering to the field gods. Who can really say?!

Regardless. I call this Thirsty Thursday Drink Recipe: Ode to the Gravel Road

Ingredients:
My dad’s favorite beer: Coors Light

Supplies:
Foam Koozie

Instructions:
Take the Coors Light, put in the Foam Koozie. Drink up, beotches! “Walk” down the gravel road and place it strategically halfway between the ditch and halfway on the rocks. Let those cans shine bright!

Cheers.

See you back in Denver (after I drive a many miles along the gravel roads).

Does anyone have one of these fancy coolers? And do you like it? You can click on it to order one, though I have not that kind of money myself. . .

YETI Tundra 45

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Thirsty Thursday: Drinking That Anal Juice

anal juice recipe

It’s Anal August, Get It

or

Drink Up That Anal Juice

It’s already August. Can you believe we’ve made it through half of summer already?

August is as good of a time as any for ANAL sex.

Show of fingers, how many have experienced anal before?

All of them? Wow, you dirty dirty slut-fingers.

Male Sex Toys 728X90

How many of you thirsty mother fuckers actually crave anal sex? Well, today, I’m making a drink for you called Anal Juice. Inspired by anal sex gone wrong.

Here’s the deal. When you have anal sex you MUST use some sort of lube. It’s the number one rule for sticking it in the butt. Yes, relaxing into it, being receptive, easing in, those are all fine things to remember to do when someone is about to go in deep in your anus but really truly make sure you lube it down.

If you do not lube it down you could end up tearing part of your anal hole which could turn to anal leakage which could turn to incontinence which could turn to anal juice.

That’s like your butthole leaking uncontrollably.

So in honor of lube-less anal sex, I’ve concockted this very special summer cocktail recipe.

Anal Juice Cocktail Recipe

Ingredients

1-2 shots Whiskey
½ Lemon Juice
Blood Orange Ginger Beer

Directions
Dump the first two ingredients in a glass, top with ice. Unload the blood orange ginger beer on top. Drink up. Enjoy!

And be sure that when you do the what what in the butt butt you use the lube lube. Get some here, you freaks.

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Thirsty Thursday: How to Make the Blood Orange Cherry Moon Lunar Eclipse Drank

summer cocktail recipes

Cheers to a Bloody Full Moon

or

Summer Drink Recipe to Sip During the Lunar Eclipse

Happy Thirsty Thursday! I hope you’re extra thirsty this week because I just concoc(k)ted one of the most delicious drinks I have ever drank.

I’ve always been a nature kid. I grew up in the middle of nowhere Kansas next to a creek (crick), a hill covered with trees, and a field covered in hay and usually filled with weird animals (dead and alive).

For the past few years, I’ve been pretty fascinated with the moon and one of the most exciting things in moon history is happening tomorrow– lunar eclipse blood moon! This happens with the sun, earth, and moon align. The sun’s rays can’t reach the moon so we see it through a coopery-reddish (let’s just call it what it is aka period blood) filter. Oh yes, the earth has its own filters just like Instagram!

According to the elephant journal article I read on this upcoming event:

“ On July 27th we can expect lunar energy to be supercharged and at its most intense for the longest time in a 100-year period.”

100 years?! This means shit is going to go down. People gonna be super cray cray. Werewolves are going to eat babies faces off. Witches are going to cast mega-badass spells. Vampires are going to turn Krystal into a vampire (wishes, wishes and more wishes). Jealousies will arise. Drama will stir.  Fights will ensue. Relationships will end. Toxic energy will be flying all over through the air. Watch out!

Lots of other stuff is bound to happen too. Read the full article (link above) to find out more about it.

I’d suggest making a big batch of this drank, sitting back, and watching the
show.

Here’s my recipe for the Blood Orange Cherry Moon Lunar Eclipse Drank

Servings: makes 2 cocktails

Ingredients:

4 ounces good American whiskey
½ of one fresh-squeezed lemon juice
½ of 1 fresh-squeezed blood orange juice
Blood orange Italian soda
Cherries for garnish

Directions:

Combine whiskey, lemon and orange juice in a large cocktail shaker, fill with plenty of ice, and shake like crazy for about 30 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass, or into an ice-filled Old Fashioned glass. Top with soda and garnish with big dark red cherry for the full moon impact. Enjoy.

Cheers!

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Thirsty Thursday: How to Make Kombucha SCOBY

kombucha scoby recipe

Because Sometimes Some Of Us Need a Break From ALL the Alcohol

or

DIY Recipe to Start Making Hippie Party Tea

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

As you know because you have undoubtedly been following this blog since its beginning–I love drinking. Damn, do I love drinking. I love drinking so much that I decided I should let drinking go for a little bit and if drinking and I are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other.

But for real. I was hard-core drinking there for a hot minute and I decided to take a couple of days off for my liver and my brain and stuff.

That being said I’m thirstier than ever. I mean that both like actually thirsty for some good dranks and thirsty as in someone please fuck my brains out.

One of the reasons I abuse drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol is because it helps numb my sex drive. I know that sounds absurd. Why would anyone want to numb their sex drive?! I don’t know, maybe because that person doesn’t want to get caught dry-humping things in public. Or maybe that person doesn’t really like people that much so that person gets tired of ordering dick off of Tinder. Perhaps the person doesn’t want to appear to be a nymphomaniac even if that person may, in fact, be one (because we all know how that movie goes… not well, not well at all).

In any event, since I talked about my super favorite hippie activity yesterday aka getting my gong on aka sound healing, I thought I’d keep with the hippie theme and teach you all a little bit about kombucha.

It is Thirsty Thursday after all and we deserve to quench our thirst somehow.

WTF is kombucha?

Basically, it’s fermented tea. It’s like party tea. It’s like if your tea decided to get a little tipsy but because it’s healthy and strong and has good self-control it knows when to stop.

Kombucha contains a lot of probiotics. That’s why the hippies like it because it makes them poop real good.

It’s super easy to make. You just brew tea, add some sugar, and throw in a SCOBY.

WTF is a SCOBY?

It’s like an
alien-blob-slimy-mass-of-bacteria-yeast- that-will-eat-your-brains-when-you-are-not-looking.

Just kidding, kind of, SCOBY is actually an acronym that stands for Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast. It looks real weird and gross but it does amazing things to your tea.

You can buy SCOBY off the internet or get one of your hippie friends to give you one (as they have babies ALL the time — the SCOBY not the hippies) OR you can actually make SCOBY yourself if you have no friends or internet shopping capabilities.

Want to learn the ways? You’re in luck because I’m going to show you how to do it.

How to Make SCOBY aka bacteria disc slim:

Ingredients:
1 tsp Black* Tea
3 tbsp Sugar
1 cup Original Kombucha (GTs works best)
Water

Tools:
Small Pot
Quart Glass Jar
1 Paper Towel
1 Rubber Band

Step One: Brew Tea + Add Sugar

  • Bring 2 cups of water to boil in small pot.
  • Turn the heat OFF.
  • Add 1 teaspoon of BLACK* tea (it has to be BLACK* … never go back…) Add 3 tablespoons of sugar (WHITE regular-ass sugar).
  • STIR.
  • Let this shit cool.

* You can use other caffeinated tea to make the actual kombucha but you need the black magic for the SCOBY

Step 2: Add Some Kombucha

  • Pour your strained tea into your hippie glass jar.
  • Add 1 cup of store-bought kombucha* into that jar

*I’d suggest you dump half of the kombucha into another glass so you can get the good stuff aka the slimy squid bacteria yeast that’s already growing in the bottom of the bottle into your hippie jar.

Step 3: Cover Up and Wait

  • Cover your hippie jar with a paper towel and secure it with a rubber band.*
  • Keep it out of the sun! Keep it in temperatures above 70F.
  • Do not disturb it.
  • Imagine it’s a baby vampire and it needs darkness and alone time to grow and prosper.
  • Wait 2 to 4 weeks for it to transform into its peak alien bacteria-yeast grossness.
    When it’s done it’s time to make the kombucha (aka responsible party tea).

*Or a string. Or a metal jar ring minus the actual lid portion. Whatever you happen to have around.

Cheers!

P.S. and F.Y.I. There is a small percentage of alcohol in kombucha so if you’re 100% off the juice then I guess you can’t have any. Good day now.

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Thirsty Thursday: Fireworks Popsicle Shot Recipe

yum yum 4th of july drink recipe

Make Shots That Will Pop Your Socks Off

or

Enjoy Fireworks in Your Mouth (and the Sky)

This year, the 4th of July falls right in the middle of the week. In a way, this is splendid because we get to celebrate our independence the weekend prior, the week of, AND the weekend after.

To me, the 4th of July symbolizes more than just our American independence, but the BIG, BAM, OOOHH LA La’s of summer really kicking into gear. Friends and family gather outside to watch beautiful light displays, drink frothy beer, and eat phallic shaped foods like hot dogs, corn dogs, and yes, the delicious popsicle.

Since I’m going to an Independence Day party this weekend, I thought I’d share this Thirsty Thursday Fireworks Popsicle Shot with you today.

It’s fucking hot here and no one really wants to take a shot of warm ass liquor. If you do you may want to ask yourself if you have alcohol issues.

I prefer to put phallic shaped objects in mouth and what’s more phallic shaped than a long, hard, sweet, popsicle?

Of course, these pop-ice popsicles in the plastic bags aren’t AS phallic-y as say a rocket pop, which would be delicious right now, but they’re the easiest way to make a quick drink.

Thirsty Thursday Fireworks Popsicle Shot Recipe:

Here’s what you need:

Pop Ice
Scissors
Funnel
Liquor of Choice

Here’s What You Do:

Cut the top of the popsicle off, take a bite if necessary so there is at least a shot’s worth of empty space in the plastic.

Put the funnel in the hole.

Pour the liquor in the popsicle (you can measure if you’d like more accuracy)

DRANK it!

Happy (early) 4th of July! May you quench your thirst and experience amazing fireworks.

P.S. Depending on the weather it might not melt as quickly as expected so you can close the top of it, shake it, then shoot it. Or you can wait for it to melt more. OR you can just shoot it back and deal with it mostly just being pure alcohol (that’s slightly less warm than before).

It’s all up to you because this is America and you do what you want.

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