Review of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Non-monogamy

attachment theory

When I moved away from Denver to a small town in the middle of nowhere Kansas I had to register to vote in my new state of residence. When I did so I went from democrat to undeclared, not because I had suddenly gotten swayed by the republicans but that I felt like I didn’t really align with mainstream politics on either side. Perhaps my views were generally too radical or anti or interesting that they didn’t seem to fit in with either party and I didn’t want to be associated one way or the other. 

I say this, because this not fitting in thing is also how I feel about the whole monogamy v. polyamory debate. 

If someone were to ask me, I really find myself fitting in well with either ways of being, but there can be good (and bad) ideas on both sides. 

attachment theory
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What draws me back to concepts of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy is not the actual practice of it, but the theory, the root of philosophy– which to me is that each relationship that a person is in with another person should be unique and designed together– instead of following some sort of standard script you essentially write the story together. That’s what lures me. 

From a practical standpoint, there isn’t really enough time, resources or interest for me in consensual non-monogamy. I think having close friendships and one intimate secure romantic relationship (when and if I find it) will be plenty for me, but I’m certainly open to ideas on how to have healthy, happy, meaningful connections and growth. 

Hence why I keep coming back to books on consensual non monogamy… not because I want to be in an open relationship necessarily but because I have found that people in the poly world give much better relationship advice regardless of how one practices their romantic connections. 

I think this is a pretty accurate assessment after reading the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Non Monogamy by Jessica Fern.

Fern starts by talking about the different types of secure and insecure attachment styles that people typically fall into and the dimensions of those attachments in relationship to boundaries, actions, ways of being etc. 

From there, she takes us through concepts on consensual non-monogamy and why understanding attachment theory is important in these (and really all types of) relationships. 

In the third section, Fern gives practical tips and suggestions for creating better security in relationships but also, what I found to be the most important, security with the self. 

This was one of those books that I think anyone, regardless of whether they’re monogamous, single, polyamorous etc. could benefit from reading to better understand themselves, how they attach and get actual methods for creating better security. 

There were some key takeaways for me:

It’s healthier to turn toward conflict–no matter how healthy the relationship there will be times of disharmony. “It’s not that we have ruptures, it’s how we repair them (192).” Realizing that there’s a problem and solving the problem, that the relationship is more important than the problem itself. 

“…for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.” (139) Like, damn, okay, that’s way longer than I would have guessed, which I think just highlights how we’ve all sort of lost patience with each other but perhaps that’s a topic for another day. 

“In monogamy, if two people do not align in their desires to be attached at a secure level or one person is unable or unwilling to step into secure functioning then the relationship usually ends…”(146).   Oh, well, when you put it this way this certainly makes so much sense. 

Overall, I found the book useful, though I’m left wanting more and I can’t quite place what it is exactly I’m wanting. I do like how she suggests we take what we need and leave the rest, I guess that’s sort of what I do already as someone undeclared in politics and in love.

Want to buy the book? Here’s the link to Polysecure.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here.

Thoughts on The Heart Principle: A Book Review of Sorts

Ready for a Modern Day Romance?

I don’t often read romances but I thought I’d take a break from some of the intense reading I’d been doing on trauma and complex PTSD and mindfulness and treat myself to something a bit lighter and thus I chose The Heart Principle

I’m still debating if it was the right time to pick up a book like this after coming to a dead end on a romantic possibility of my own, one that had caused a lot of emotional turbulence, sadness, and fear. Reading about other people falling in love and having the best sex of their life can certainly induce hope but can also cause feelings of envy and a deepening of that loss. 

I have to say overall I was pleasantly surprised by all this book managed to do. 

the heart principle book review

The author Helen Hoang, did a great job of interlacing the story with legit human issues such as the emotional toll of caring for a loved one when they become ill, the ups and downs of therapy, living on the autism spectrum, and even some light touches on race in America all while following two people as they fall in love. 

I know how hard it is to sit down and write a book, so I’m not here to go through and nitpick, but I did find a couple of things that felt slightly off. It’s probably because I am not super aware of the standards that come along with romance novels but I noticed that every time genitalia was mentioned in the story she used the word, ‘sex,’ such as:

‘He felt the wetness of my sex as he slid his fingers deeper inside.”

Is it against the rules to use vulva? Pussy? Penis? Cock? Are those words too aggressive? Jarring? Un-sexy where romance is concerned? It’s not that big of a deal I just found it off-putting and I like the idea of modern day romances being as sex-positive as possible. 

Which leads me to my only other critique. And SPOILER ALERT. The guy she’s dating at the beginning of this book wants an open relationship. She agrees to it because she doesn’t know how to say no. I actually like the premise because again, it’s one of those legit human issues many people in the dating world go through, but is that really what they were doing in the book? 

I know that there are a plethora of reasons why people choose to have open relationships as well as the type of open relationships people agree to have, but once he said he was going to sleep with other people she just went back to her apartment and lived her own life and never really talked to him again until he showed up at her parents house. Like, if you’re in an open relationship you’re still having relations with each other right? They weren’t separated. Yet, they didn’t do anything to keep their relationship going. She wanted out but would she have gotten back together with him if she didn’t find an out through another, better guy? 

Which leads me to my final thoughts—the best and also most unbelievable (in a good way) part of the book, Quan. Where does one find a man like that? I hope that by Hoang writing a character like him she has in turn manifested men like that into real life because damn. Not only is he physically hot, he has a successful job, a solid support system of family and friends, a car and a motorcycle, hobbies that he enjoys by himself and with others, and most importantly kindness, patience, and generosity. Of course Anna would want to be with him over the insensitive narcissistic open relationship dude. I WANT to be with him and he’s a made up person. 

I understand that this is a romance and the guy is supposed to be a FANTASY but I’m still holding on to a glimmer of hope that people like him exist because everyone deserves to have that kind of love in their life. 

Anyway, if you’re looking to get swept away in a tale of finding true love within yourself and in your relationships while tackling all that life throws your way this is a good one to go with. It almost makes me want to start dating again. 

Buy the book for yourself here

Or join the Book of the Month Club and read along with what I’m reading every month! 

Corn Tits: A Story for the Truly Deplorable

Local woman publishes eBook set in Rural Southeast Kansas 

November 30, 2020, marks the global release of the dangerously funny eBook: Corn Tits: Rowdy Tales from Rural Kansas Part 1.

BUY IT HERE

In rural America, rumors spread like butter on hotcakes. Moving back to small-town Kansas after a decade in Denver, CO, Anderson County native, Krystal Fawn spins tall tales from spilled tea. 

“I’d hear these crazy stories but I’d have no idea who any of these people were so I started filling in the holes, making up these elaborate characters to try to bridge the gap between the rumors and who these people could be, and how they could have gotten into that kind of predicament. What they’d call ‘spinning a yarn’ around here.” 

Author, Krystal Fawn

Gut-wrenching and gross with dark, slap-stick-like humor, Corn Tits Part 1: Rowdy Tales from Rural Kansas is an adult-themed story written for readers 18+ about a woman (Candy Jo aka Corn Tits) struggling with a meth addiction who has recently fallen in love with a man with one leg (One-Legged Carl) and what happens after she gets caught in quite a compromising position.

“If you’re looking for something adventurous and delightfully raunchy to read, Krystal Fawn just published her first book, Corn Tits. If you’re into Tom Robbins books, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this.”

Tiffany H.

“It’s the best book I’ve read that has been written by anyone around these parts.”

-Grandma Arlene (who has read no other books by people from around these parts)

“Apple censored the title, figured it had to be good. It was the *t**s.”

-Chris M.

Help her reach her goal of 20,200 copies sold by the end of 2020!!!

Download the eBook on ALL e-publishing sites including Amazon Kindle, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, and kobo. Find them all here.

Share the link with all your friends and be sure to leave a review like the ones above to spread the Corn Tits Love!

Live Reading and Q&A of Newly Released Novella, Corn Tits, with Author Krystal Fawn

Facebook Live: Tuesday, December 8th at 8 pm CST/ 7pm MST

RSVP to the event here.

Follow Krystal Fawn on Facebook @goeatacarrot to watch and get the latest info, updates, giveaways, and more!

 Krystal Fawn has published in the Atlantic, 5280 Magazine, The Boulder Weekly, and elephant journal. This is her first work of fiction.

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