Thirsty Thursday: How to Make Kombucha SCOBY

kombucha scoby recipe

Because Sometimes Some Of Us Need a Break From ALL the Alcohol

or

DIY Recipe to Start Making Hippie Party Tea

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

As you know because you have undoubtedly been following this blog since its beginning–I love drinking. Damn, do I love drinking. I love drinking so much that I decided I should let drinking go for a little bit and if drinking and I are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other.

But for real. I was hard-core drinking there for a hot minute and I decided to take a couple of days off for my liver and my brain and stuff.

That being said I’m thirstier than ever. I mean that both like actually thirsty for some good dranks and thirsty as in someone please fuck my brains out.

One of the reasons I abuse drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol is because it helps numb my sex drive. I know that sounds absurd. Why would anyone want to numb their sex drive?! I don’t know, maybe because that person doesn’t want to get caught dry-humping things in public. Or maybe that person doesn’t really like people that much so that person gets tired of ordering dick off of Tinder. Perhaps the person doesn’t want to appear to be a nymphomaniac even if that person may, in fact, be one (because we all know how that movie goes… not well, not well at all).

In any event, since I talked about my super favorite hippie activity yesterday aka getting my gong on aka sound healing, I thought I’d keep with the hippie theme and teach you all a little bit about kombucha.

It is Thirsty Thursday after all and we deserve to quench our thirst somehow.

WTF is kombucha?

Basically, it’s fermented tea. It’s like party tea. It’s like if your tea decided to get a little tipsy but because it’s healthy and strong and has good self-control it knows when to stop.

Kombucha contains a lot of probiotics. That’s why the hippies like it because it makes them poop real good.

It’s super easy to make. You just brew tea, add some sugar, and throw in a SCOBY.

WTF is a SCOBY?

It’s like an
alien-blob-slimy-mass-of-bacteria-yeast- that-will-eat-your-brains-when-you-are-not-looking.

Just kidding, kind of, SCOBY is actually an acronym that stands for Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast. It looks real weird and gross but it does amazing things to your tea.

You can buy SCOBY off the internet or get one of your hippie friends to give you one (as they have babies ALL the time — the SCOBY not the hippies) OR you can actually make SCOBY yourself if you have no friends or internet shopping capabilities.

Want to learn the ways? You’re in luck because I’m going to show you how to do it.

How to Make SCOBY aka bacteria disc slim:

Ingredients:
1 tsp Black* Tea
3 tbsp Sugar
1 cup Original Kombucha (GTs works best)
Water

Tools:
Small Pot
Quart Glass Jar
1 Paper Towel
1 Rubber Band

Step One: Brew Tea + Add Sugar

  • Bring 2 cups of water to boil in small pot.
  • Turn the heat OFF.
  • Add 1 teaspoon of BLACK* tea (it has to be BLACK* … never go back…) Add 3 tablespoons of sugar (WHITE regular-ass sugar).
  • STIR.
  • Let this shit cool.

* You can use other caffeinated tea to make the actual kombucha but you need the black magic for the SCOBY

Step 2: Add Some Kombucha

  • Pour your strained tea into your hippie glass jar.
  • Add 1 cup of store-bought kombucha* into that jar

*I’d suggest you dump half of the kombucha into another glass so you can get the good stuff aka the slimy squid bacteria yeast that’s already growing in the bottom of the bottle into your hippie jar.

Step 3: Cover Up and Wait

  • Cover your hippie jar with a paper towel and secure it with a rubber band.*
  • Keep it out of the sun! Keep it in temperatures above 70F.
  • Do not disturb it.
  • Imagine it’s a baby vampire and it needs darkness and alone time to grow and prosper.
  • Wait 2 to 4 weeks for it to transform into its peak alien bacteria-yeast grossness.
    When it’s done it’s time to make the kombucha (aka responsible party tea).

*Or a string. Or a metal jar ring minus the actual lid portion. Whatever you happen to have around.

Cheers!

P.S. and F.Y.I. There is a small percentage of alcohol in kombucha so if you’re 100% off the juice then I guess you can’t have any. Good day now.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Sound Healing My Pussy

sound healing weirdness

The Wide Wide World of Snakes, Lakes, Gongs, & Dongs

Or

Opening My Sacral Chakra and Shaking It Like a Sex Goddess

Admittedly this may be getting too weird for some of you. For others of you though, this will prob be right up your alley.

I’ve lived in Colorado for eight years now and during that time I have participated in my fair share of hippie bullshit. Things like this (though not like this if it’s going to get me in trouble)– orgasmic meditation, tripping on acid while prancing around naked at hot springs, going to a party and accidentally getting trapped listening to a conscious listening event (I do not recommend that one).

My favorite hippie thing of all time though is sound healing.

Gong baths™ to be more specific though I have tried a couple of other styles.

The first time I went to a gong bath I was beyond skeptical. I only went because it got me out of work for an hour.

During that hour though I had one of the craziest trips of all time. There’s even a chance I astral projected; it’s still hard for me to admit that I did even though I clearly experienced everything one experiences when astral projecting (I even used my teeth to rip the umbilical cord that connected me to planet earth).

I’ve been a huge fan of these experiences ever since and I try to go to sound healing events as often as I can.

Here’s the thing though.

They’ve been getting REALLY weird. And REALLY sexual.

The last two gong baths I’ve gone to were based on opening up the sacral chakra– for all of you who are not hippies this is like the sex/creative center of your being.

While in this vibrational meditative state I almost always have crazy visions, like tripping except more vivid, closer to a lucid dream, or a movie that I am staring in playing out in my mind.

Anyway. Snakes keep crawling up into my pussy during these gong baths.

And may I add that in real life I am utterly and totally terrified of snakes.

During the gong baths™  I just let it happen. They wrap around my arms then slowly slither down my throat or they circle my legs then enter my vagina.

They’re STILL in there you guys!

Also, this time a frog made its way into my pussy too.

A big ass mother fucking frog.

You all. I looked up the symbolism of these creatures.

Times are changing. I am transforming. I will soon turn into a Snake Goddess I am almost definitely sure of this. Or maybe a Penis Goddess?!?

Maybe all the snakes are just past lovers I can’t shake?

It would make sense since there were HUNDREDS of them.

Just kidding.

I mean, yes, there were hundreds of snakes but not ALL of them got inside of me, most of them just followed me around everywhere I went and I even flew all the way to the other side.

Told you it was getting weird today.

Was this sex per say? No. But it was a meditative state that opened up my sex holes and it was fucking weird as shit so I’d say that it’s close enough.

P.S. If you want to check out a gong bath™ yourself they’re happening now through the weekend (here’s the schedule). He comes back through with a tour every couple of months but there are many many other sound healing events all over this city and probably in other cities too!

Anniversary Collection

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5 Ways to Push Away Someone Who Gives You The Feels

fear of rejection and pushing lovers again

When Your Heart Says GO! But Your Brain Says NO!

Or

Happy Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday Yet Again!

Self-sabotage. It’s a real thing. And it’s never more real when you meet someone you actually like and then FREAK OUT because you like them.

I am a professional at pushing people away. I also have many friends who have this talent too. So, if you’ve recently started dating someone and have confirmed in your own mind that this could be legit and now you want to ruin it never you fear. I’ve come up with five different ways to push away any person you got the feels for. (Of course, there are HUNDREDS of ways to do this, but I thought I’d simplify for you today, you have self-sabotage to do after all).

Here are 5 Easy to Learn Ways to Push Lovers Away

1.
The Bicker Nitpicker
This is my go-to method for getting people to leave me alone. All you have to do is complain and gripe about every single thing that they do, you do, the world does. This one works so well you can plan on spending most of your time in your room alone. In the adult world, we get more subtle timeouts but they’re timeouts nonetheless. When you remind people of things that aren’t good you turn into the not good and no one wants to be around not-good.

2.
The Never-Gonna-Get-It Neg
Tell the person they remind you of someone who is completely and totally not fuck-able. For example, “You remind me of my sister.” Or. “You remind me of that 11 year-old-cartoon boy Gene from Bob’s Burgers” <- This really happened to me; He was immediately friend-zoned BUT we’ve been friends ever since so perhaps that’s for the best considering we’re both into self-sabotage.

3.
The Literal Lateral Move to Aloneness
Take your two arms and literally push them with said arms! Nothing says Get AWAY more than non-consensual physical violence.

4.
The Revenge Fuck Up
Decided to become exclusive then that very evening go out and fuck someone else. Keep it a secret. Let the guilt build up and up. Allow the guilt to turn into anger, project that anger onto your new lover until the new lover can’t deal with your shitty attitude and ends it. Lies by omission seep out of the cracks and crevices of our psyches and will get you in the end too, don’t you worry about that (I’m looking at you friend who continues to do this…).

5.
The Busy Ghost Bee
Make plans then flake out. Do this over and over again. Eventually just stop talking to new lover altogether ghost-style. There’s not much else that can say, “I don’t deserve you” more than literally not showing up for the other person.

There you have it, adult-kids, five ways to self-sabotage your own love life. I’m sure many of you are familiar with these methods; once you start utilizing them it’s hard to go back to the old ways of security, trust, and compassion. If you’re just getting started with them though, good luck, have fun! Enjoy a life full of heartache, FOMO, and mediocre relationships.

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Masturbation Monday: Why Men Wanking Off Is Such an Embarrassment

men having sex with themselves

Choke the Chicken, Flog the Hog, Yank the Crank

or

Male Masturbation Gets the Shaft

I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.

So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?

It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.

We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.

The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.

You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.

The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.

It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).

Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.

For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.

Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.

Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.

I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.

Also– buy this if you want a good male masturbator:

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Sometimes The Hardest Thing To Do Is Get Out of Bed

depression anger heat sadness

Yes, I’m Still Stuck In Bed, But I’m Working

or

Help! Send Food. And Beer.

Sure. I like talking about SEX. But that was never the entire intention of Go Eat a Carrot. The purpose was for me to let loose on all the truth I have bottled up in me. And what’s true today is that I’m tired of trying to conform to other people’s desires. Yes, there’s an entire world out there of sexploration to be had, but I’m not in the mood.

There I said it, the horniest woman on the planet is not in the mood.

We must have entered an alternate universe.

I’m hot. I’m overheated. I’m bordering the line of anger and depression. I could cave in and just embrace the gray but why do that when I can fight it off?

I haven’t been to the grocery store in weeks. The last thing I ate yesterday was BBQ leftover from my friend’s 4th of July party. You know, a party that happened more than a week ago. Somehow I’m still alive and mostly getting all of my calories from beer, which I also ran out of last night.

You know in Denver you can get all of the above delivered to you? Groceries, beer, even sex if you know how to use Tinder right.

But I refuse! I have two legs. I can walk to the store. Yet, I don’t. I open the fridge and go,

‘oh look, three rotting limes and one old carrot. Guess I’ll come back and look in here again in 15 minutes and hope things have changed.”

At least I still have hope even though nothing changes unless you actually do the things that make changes, hence why I’m still stuck here, hungry, thinking about making a lime/carrot juice.

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Wet & Wild Wednesday: This Boob’s For You

boobs instagram and body positivity

When You’re Angry and Depressed Just Get Naked

or

Your Body is Just a Body Moving Your Body Around

(Enjoy the video rant. An angry cry may occur in it)

I have, for many years, gone through phases where I fall into these dark holes. They’re dirtier and darker than anal holes let me tell you. Hippie-dippie people like to call it “the shadow self.” Whatever. It’s usually more menacing than a shadow, more like an empty cave that has a terrible heating and cooling system.

I care not about getting out of bed. I contemplate how I do not want to be here. And when I say here I mean Denver. I mean the United States. I mean Planet Earth. I mean here in this body.

I question my worth. I question every choice I’ve ever made. I question the people in my life and what might possibly be wrong with them to choose to spend time with me.

It starts as a simmer. Turns to a boil. Evaporates into nothingness.

The nothingness.

The care not.

The heavy gray blanket that suffocates and keeps me from moving forward.

I return to my body.

It’s funny because I imagine that many people think I’m putting up pics of my tits and ass on Instagram as some sort of desperate plea for attention. Of course, I enjoy attention but that’s not my motivation.

I do it because it’s what I have to give.

We’re all put into these vessels of flesh to learn and grow and connect. I happen to be blessed with a body that other people seem to enjoy looking at. What do I care if they look at it? Sure, I’m in charge with taking care of this thing and I could do a better job about that, but I believe we all should experience more pleasure. So here I am, mostly naked, giving strangers pleasure.

Perhaps deep down I’m just a giver with not much to give.

One day this body will be rotting in the ground and no one will want to look at it then so I might as well take some pics of it now so there’s digital proof of its existence.

I found a sentence in an old journal of mine that read,

“We’re all afraid of going after our dreams because if we fail, we will have nothing left.”

Well, I quit my job nearly a year ago to write a book. I wrote the first draft of that book.

And here I am left.
Nothing.

Yet, everything.

The opportunity to edit and write Draft 2.

The opportunity to keep showing off my boobs.

The opportunity to connect to you and you and you.

So sure, I like the attention, but it’s merely a side note to a much bigger picture. The concept that we get to move around in this package of bones and muscle and blood and skin and shit; that it’s all we really have right here where we are until we are not here anymore.

So fuck it. I embrace the dark. The light. The unknown. The complete and total hot mess that I am. And of course, I embrace the boobs.

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Tits Out Tuesday: The Problem With Casual Sex

the problem with casual sex

Fuck Who You Wanna Fuck

or

Be Who You Wanna Be

I follow a bunch of random pages on Instagram. It pretty much runs the spectrum from hedonism to cute puppies all the way to new-age spirituality bullshit and of course, alien conspiracies. The other day I saw several posts come up into my feed that all centered around the same concept– that casual sex is an energy suck.

Most of the posts read something like this:

“Everyone is too busy just having sex for pleasure with no connection. They’re going to lose their chance to find someone real because of their sexual desires (demons) …”

The concept stems from the idea that when you give a part of yourself to someone who has no intention of returning anything you give–you are transferring your energy into emptiness and soon you will also be empty inside.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this idea.

I think for the most part this idea is bullshit.

Is there an actual problem with casual sex?

Yes.

The problem is people who have a problem with it.

If you have a problem with it, then it’s not for you and that’s okay. But, if it’s not your thing that doesn’t mean it’s not for other people. And the only way you lose your energy is by choosing to give it to someone else.

Is it possible to continue creating connections with people AND also participate in casual sex? Perhaps it’s only for people who are capable of separating the meanings of experiences. Not every sexual encounter is about intimacy or spiritual bonding. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If people are going around ONLY seeking pleasure ALL of the time, perhaps they’re all empty on the inside. Or maybe pleasure is just easier for them? Maybe they haven’t gotten to the point where they’re ready for a deeper, closer intimacy. Is that wrong?

It seems like it should come down to communication. If you’re looking for a connection that’s more than just pleasure, discuss it. Perhaps don’t fuck someone who’s only about the physical act of sex.

When you’re on the same page, it shouldn’t be an energy suck or cause for concern.

One form of sex is not necessarily more real than any other. Of course, when you’re into each other it can definitely make the sex better, but it also depends on your definition of better. So, what I’m getting at here is that I disagree with this new-agey bullshit that says casual sex is bad for the world. I believe that everyone should experience more pleasure and within that pleasure, we will all have better experiences here on earth. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’m okay with being wrong. But perhaps shedding the guilt around sexuality would be more beneficial to our planet than continuing to make people feel bad for the choices they’re going to make.

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