Once a Cheater Always a Cheater, Not Exactly.
Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.
Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.
Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.
Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.
But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’
If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.
This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.
Why do people do this?
Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.
In other words, self-sabotage.
We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.
Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.
As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.
Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.
And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.
The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.
So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.
I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.
Join my Patreon for exclusives AND stay tuned for a Freaky Fan Friday cheater confession that you’ll only see there!