Hard Wood Wednesday: Sliding Into My DMs

Answering Your Most Pressing Direct Messages

or

I’m Never Gonna Reply Back Directly So Here Ya Go, Some FAQs

Every day I have many people send me direct messages on Instagram. I do not follow these people so they go into this separate folder. This folder is full of entertainment, annoyances, quite graphic sexual/erotic descriptions usually of things dudes would like to do to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love interacting with people on the internet. I wouldn’t be on social media if I hated to be social and use media to voice my thoughts. I’ve had hundreds of amazing conversations with interesting people, but I thought I’d cover some of the generic ones sent my way.

I’m doing this in case you are a person who is considering sending me a message. It’s sort of like some FAQs here for you so you don’t have to waste your time or mine. Cool. Here we go.

On Nudes, Videos, Snaps, etc.

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Do I make custom videos?

No.

I made exclusive videos for my patrons on Patreon. I typically try to upload 1-3 new videos a week including a Freaky Fan Friday video every Friday that Patrons who join for just $1 a month can watch. So you can gain exclusive access for very little investment on your end and actually quite a bit more on mine.

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Can you have a visible look? 

Yes. You can have a visible look at my tits if you become a Patron on Patreon. You cannot have a visible look at my tits on Instagram or Youtube because they will delete it and give me a strike.

Why do they do this? Because this is a puritanical culture that likes to hate women’s bodies at the same time it also likes to objectify and obsess about women’s bodies. I don’t know. Also, something to do with children learning about naked bodies and sexuality before they’re capable of understanding because children have never been naked before etc. etc.

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Do I got patreon?!

YES!!! I do got patreon. You can find me HERE!!!  (No I do not Snap.)

Motorhead - the Official Pleasure Collection

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Can I only see a photo here of your nice body nude?

No. You cannot see a photo here of my nice body nude. It’s an unfortunate sad sob story that your girlfriend had to leave you today, but I am not the type of girl who feels sorry for dudes going through a breakup. If you want to see my nude body you can become a patron just like everyone else.

On Modeling

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“I am a photographer. Would you like to do a modeling photo shoot?”

The last time I was asked to model it was for a long-boarding company. I had never been on a longboard before. I figured it out pretty quickly, then I got cocky. My big head that inflated because I was asked to model knocked me off balance. I fell off on top of a hill right into a giant puddle and my knee pretzeled into me moving into an advanced yoga move that I wasn’t ready for. I ended up in Urgent Care and couldn’t really walk on it for three months. Then I got fat because I was depressed and found solace in drinking an excessive amount of beer.

So, I’m not sure “modeling in a photo shoot” is the right path for me (willing to discuss for the right price and only if I can stay on solid land).

On Dick Pics

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“Hey baby u want a dick pic” 

Do I want a dick pic? What I question! It’s almost as if you think I’ve never in my life seen a dick before and will somehow be amazed and astounded by this random one that I can do absolutely nothing with but look at. Please for the love of the goddesses above DO NOT SEND ME A PIC OF YOUR DICK. For one thing, Instagram blocks those images so I luckily never have to actually see them. For another, just, no. Your carrot does not make me hungry. Your eggplant is more like a breakfast sausage link. Your popsicle does not make me melt.

If you want me to look at your dick then you can order a TINY DICK STORY from me. This is where you pay me to write a poem or flash fiction story about your dick. This is the ONLY WAY I will EVER be willing to look at your dick pic. You can find out more information about the TINY DICK STORY on my Carrot Consulting page.

On Erotic Descriptions of Sexual Things You Want to Do To Me

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Put these stories in comments on my actual Instagram posts so everyone else can read them too because we all deserve a little more erotica in our lives. Plus when you send it directly to me it’s creepy, but when you share it in public other people can learn new ways to describe tits and discover different things to do with their tongues etc.

On My Day

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Did I get your text earlier?

Well, no sir, I did not get your text earlier because you do not have my phone number, nor will you ever.

How’s the day going?

Why thank you for asking. My day is going alright. I haven’t been up that long at the time of this writing. Yesterday I was irritable and discouraged, but today is a new day. Of course, I went for a run and everyone outside of this house was out and about and getting on my nerves but that’s over now. This crazy blood moon lunar eclipse is happening this Friday (7/27) and it’s supposed to really turn things around, whichever way you want it to go. I’m ready. Are you?

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