Thirsty Thursday: How to Make Kombucha SCOBY

Because Sometimes Some Of Us Need a Break From ALL the Alcohol

or

DIY Recipe to Start Making Hippie Party Tea

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

As you know because you have undoubtedly been following this blog since its beginning–I love drinking. Damn, do I love drinking. I love drinking so much that I decided I should let drinking go for a little bit and if drinking and I are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other.

But for real. I was hard-core drinking there for a hot minute and I decided to take a couple of days off for my liver and my brain and stuff.

That being said I’m thirstier than ever. I mean that both like actually thirsty for some good dranks and thirsty as in someone please fuck my brains out.

One of the reasons I abuse drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol is because it helps numb my sex drive. I know that sounds absurd. Why would anyone want to numb their sex drive?! I don’t know, maybe because that person doesn’t want to get caught dry-humping things in public. Or maybe that person doesn’t really like people that much so that person gets tired of ordering dick off of Tinder. Perhaps the person doesn’t want to appear to be a nymphomaniac even if that person may, in fact, be one (because we all know how that movie goes… not well, not well at all).

In any event, since I talked about my super favorite hippie activity yesterday aka getting my gong on aka sound healing, I thought I’d keep with the hippie theme and teach you all a little bit about kombucha.

It is Thirsty Thursday after all and we deserve to quench our thirst somehow.

WTF is kombucha?

Basically, it’s fermented tea. It’s like party tea. It’s like if your tea decided to get a little tipsy but because it’s healthy and strong and has good self-control it knows when to stop.

Kombucha contains a lot of probiotics. That’s why the hippies like it because it makes them poop real good.

It’s super easy to make. You just brew tea, add some sugar, and throw in a SCOBY.

WTF is a SCOBY?

It’s like an
alien-blob-slimy-mass-of-bacteria-yeast- that-will-eat-your-brains-when-you-are-not-looking.

Just kidding, kind of, SCOBY is actually an acronym that stands for Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast. It looks real weird and gross but it does amazing things to your tea.

You can buy SCOBY off the internet or get one of your hippie friends to give you one (as they have babies ALL the time — the SCOBY not the hippies) OR you can actually make SCOBY yourself if you have no friends or internet shopping capabilities.

Want to learn the ways? You’re in luck because I’m going to show you how to do it.

How to Make SCOBY aka bacteria disc slim:

Ingredients:
1 tsp Black* Tea
3 tbsp Sugar
1 cup Original Kombucha (GTs works best)
Water

Tools:
Small Pot
Quart Glass Jar
1 Paper Towel
1 Rubber Band

Step One: Brew Tea + Add Sugar

  • Bring 2 cups of water to boil in small pot.
  • Turn the heat OFF.
  • Add 1 teaspoon of BLACK* tea (it has to be BLACK* … never go back…) Add 3 tablespoons of sugar (WHITE regular-ass sugar).
  • STIR.
  • Let this shit cool.

* You can use other caffeinated tea to make the actual kombucha but you need the black magic for the SCOBY

Step 2: Add Some Kombucha

  • Pour your strained tea into your hippie glass jar.
  • Add 1 cup of store-bought kombucha* into that jar

*I’d suggest you dump half of the kombucha into another glass so you can get the good stuff aka the slimy squid bacteria yeast that’s already growing in the bottom of the bottle into your hippie jar.

Step 3: Cover Up and Wait

  • Cover your hippie jar with a paper towel and secure it with a rubber band.*
  • Keep it out of the sun! Keep it in temperatures above 70F.
  • Do not disturb it.
  • Imagine it’s a baby vampire and it needs darkness and alone time to grow and prosper.
  • Wait 2 to 4 weeks for it to transform into its peak alien bacteria-yeast grossness.
    When it’s done it’s time to make the kombucha (aka responsible party tea).

*Or a string. Or a metal jar ring minus the actual lid portion. Whatever you happen to have around.

Cheers!

P.S. and F.Y.I. There is a small percentage of alcohol in kombucha so if you’re 100% off the juice then I guess you can’t have any. Good day now.

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