5 Ways to Push Away Someone Who Gives You The Feels

When Your Heart Says GO! But Your Brain Says NO!

Or

Happy Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday Yet Again!

Self-sabotage. It’s a real thing. And it’s never more real when you meet someone you actually like and then FREAK OUT because you like them.

I am a professional at pushing people away. I also have many friends who have this talent too. So, if you’ve recently started dating someone and have confirmed in your own mind that this could be legit and now you want to ruin it never you fear. I’ve come up with five different ways to push away any person you got the feels for. (Of course, there are HUNDREDS of ways to do this, but I thought I’d simplify for you today, you have self-sabotage to do after all).

Here are 5 Easy to Learn Ways to Push Lovers Away

1.
The Bicker Nitpicker
This is my go-to method for getting people to leave me alone. All you have to do is complain and gripe about every single thing that they do, you do, the world does. This one works so well you can plan on spending most of your time in your room alone. In the adult world, we get more subtle timeouts but they’re timeouts nonetheless. When you remind people of things that aren’t good you turn into the not good and no one wants to be around not-good.

2.
The Never-Gonna-Get-It Neg
Tell the person they remind you of someone who is completely and totally not fuck-able. For example, “You remind me of my sister.” Or. “You remind me of that 11 year-old-cartoon boy Gene from Bob’s Burgers” <- This really happened to me; He was immediately friend-zoned BUT we’ve been friends ever since so perhaps that’s for the best considering we’re both into self-sabotage.

3.
The Literal Lateral Move to Aloneness
Take your two arms and literally push them with said arms! Nothing says Get AWAY more than non-consensual physical violence.

4.
The Revenge Fuck Up
Decided to become exclusive then that very evening go out and fuck someone else. Keep it a secret. Let the guilt build up and up. Allow the guilt to turn into anger, project that anger onto your new lover until the new lover can’t deal with your shitty attitude and ends it. Lies by omission seep out of the cracks and crevices of our psyches and will get you in the end too, don’t you worry about that (I’m looking at you friend who continues to do this…).

5.
The Busy Ghost Bee
Make plans then flake out. Do this over and over again. Eventually just stop talking to new lover altogether ghost-style. There’s not much else that can say, “I don’t deserve you” more than literally not showing up for the other person.

There you have it, adult-kids, five ways to self-sabotage your own love life. I’m sure many of you are familiar with these methods; once you start utilizing them it’s hard to go back to the old ways of security, trust, and compassion. If you’re just getting started with them though, good luck, have fun! Enjoy a life full of heartache, FOMO, and mediocre relationships.

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