It’s Okay to Be Indifferent About Motherhood
If You Don’t Know, It Won’t Kill You
There was only one time in my life when I considered becoming a mother. I had eaten a fuck ton of mushrooms and the pattern on the wall was telling my brain it was my destiny. When the trip ended, for days I was freaked out. I thought that I had been living all wrong; that the truth was in the mushrooms and I should indeed remove my IUD and find someone to reproduce with.
Prior to the mushroom adventure, I was pretty anti-child. The thought of a creature growing inside of me for nine months, pushing itself out of my vagina and then feeding off my boobs for years did not muster any encouraging steps toward making that a reality. I even went so far as to pretend to hate children so as to avoid the questions from of old people and family members who felt it was their business to know my life plan. If they knew I hated children perhaps they’d shut their fucking mouths up about it.
The truth is that I do not hate children; in fact, I find children to be fucking hilarious. Just the other day, I was at the Botanic Gardens and this random mom was with her daughter and they were arguing. The mom said, “well, if that is the case you can just go straight to bed when we get home.” To which the daughter screamed as if she was being murdered by her own kind, “NOOOO!!!! I WILL NOT. I AM SSSTTARRRVVVIIINNG.” This scream was so loud I’m sure they could hear it all the way on the other side of Cheesman Park. The child would not give up being shrill and bratty and otherwise terrible. This scene made me happy. I started laughing. I felt real fucking good to be alive. Why? Because that child was keeping it real. And that child was not my child to have to deal with.
Children are just like regular people, they just haven’t been here as long. And sometimes that lack of experience can lead to really interesting conversations.
My thing is, I don’t find it to be my personal path. I don’t think every woman should be or needs to be a mother.
I think it’s okay to not hate kids just because you don’t want them for yourself.
I think it’s okay to hate your kids on occasion when they’re acting like complete shitheads.
I also think it’s okay to change your mind about whether you want them or not. Of course, if you already have them and want to get rid of them, that’s complicated and not really possible. BUT if you haven’t wanted them your entire life and then you suddenly do, go you!
I hate to admit that some of the old people could have been right. I’m not saying they are right YET, but maybe they will be right about the whole thing they always used to say to me about finding the right person and then I will def want to have his babies.
I don’t know if that is true. It has not happened yet. I can’t really imagine it happening. I don’t want to say it will NEVER happen. Yet, I will say I am perfectly okay with it not happening.
One of my biggest concerns besides an 8 pound mass of human being squeezing out my vaginal walls and ripping me apart is the idea of rearing children in these insular environments. I believe in the old-school ways of community, tribe, town, all taking care of each other. I wouldn’t want to have kids and then have those kids trapped in a house with just me and one other person, the two of us having the sole responsibility of another soul or souls coming out right.
This is why I’m not afraid of polyamory. Wouldn’t it be better to have lots of loving relationships, lots of people learning, growing, teaching, taking care of each other? Just because a being comes out of me that doesn’t mean it belongs to me and only me.
When someone plays a song to a crowd does that song belong only to the song player?
We all have a responsibility to help take care of each other and to take care of the place we all live.
Do I myself NEED to become a mother? Not necessarily. And yes, it can be okay to actually be indifferent about it. To go with the flow of the universe and not be crazy concerned with whether a child comes out of my own body. We’re all connected anyway, what difference does it really make?
I’m grateful for my mother, my mother’s mother, all the mothers, mother earth especially.
Happy to be here and excited every day to see how life will unfold for me, for you, for everyone we know.