Ducking. More Profane Than Fucking?

Duck Sex Is Fucked Up Sex

or

Why You Should Never Tell Anyone to Duck Off!

This morning I went for a run through City Park. It was a gorgeous morning, all the flowers were in bloom, the pollen count was very high, the birds were squawking extra loud, this dude was playing some strange instrument I had never seen before that looks sort of like a saxophone had sex with an industrialized accordion.

It was a great morning.

Then I sat down on my favorite bench at Duck Lake to watch the excitement that always takes place on goth bird island. That’s the little patch of land in the middle of the puddle they call a lake where all these blackbirds sit in these gnarly twisted trees and scream and fly and party all day. Duck Lake may be my favorite place in all of Denver. I am not recommending that you go there. Duck Lake is MY place and I enjoy my peace and loud off-key bird songs.

Anyway. Why I was there I started thinking about ducks. Then I started thinking about how most of our phones are always trying to change “Fuck” into “Duck” and how that’s ducking annoying.

After that, I started thinking about duck sex and how fucked up duck sex is and how when our phones change the word “fuck” to “duck our technology is actually doing something WAY more disturbing.

Check this out.

Male ducks have sex with a corkscrew penis. Not only that, but they are known to be one of the most rapey animals on this planet. They’re so rapey that female ducks have overtime created defense mechanisms like fake vaginas or trap doors or dead ends so that when they get raped they can be sure to NOT fertilize the eggs with the rape-ducks sperm. This leads to a 3% possibility that these rapey male ducks will reproduce with the female duck they just raped.

These females are pretty fucking badass. BUT, here’s some other fucked up things about male ducks. Some species of male ducks have barbs on their penises to “scrum away competing sperm.” Barbs? On the penis? Fuck that! No thanks. Pass. If I were a duck I’d be a lesbian duck for real.

Finally. One more fucked up thing about male ducks. According to the Buzzfeed article I just read on the matter:

“The more forced copulation a duck engages in, the longer the males’ penises tend to be, according to a 2010 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
In fact, male ducks grow a new penis every year (yes, you read that right). Which means they can vary the length depending on that year’s competition.”

I am sitting over here feeling devastated. I thought it was bad the first time I heard about it, then as I researched it further it just got worse, it got way grosser.

So when someone tells you to “duck off” be extra careful; what they could mean is that they want you to get corkscrew-penis raped by a bird.

Your only reply will have to be, “enjoy my trap-door-pussy, duckdick!”

I don’t know.

This is the thing I have been thinking about all day.

Please do not go duck yourself.

But fuck yourself all day if that’s what you’re into.

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